Q&A with Lara, Part 6 - Sexual identity and Man versus Toy
August 25, 2015
I'm getting more and more questions for my Q&A series, and I love answering them! Please remember you are welcome to hit me up with a question at any time, about anything, and if I'm able to string together a coherent response, I will.
Thank you to the Questioners who asked about these two topics. I hope I have been able to reply in a way that is informative. I respect your willingness to open up and ask these things. x
Q: I'd like to try/I really enjoy anal play/prostate massage. Am I gay?
A: First up: I'm not a psychologist and I'm not you. It's not up to me to make guesses about any part of your sexuality. But, I do consider it part of my job to support it, so I'll do my best to answer this question.
The first part of this question is quite unrelated to the second part. I'll explain why.
The bottom is nothing more (and nothing less) than a part of your body. We don't have "gay" body parts, just like we don't have "straight" body parts. The anus/rectum/prostate etc are areas of skin and nerves that, like anywhere else on the body, can feel really amazing when stimulated. They are areas that possess the ability to excite and arouse us, often much more than many other body parts. The sensation you get from anal play is just that - sensation. Pleasure. Gay men also love to play with cocks, kiss, caress each other, and a whole range of other activities enjoyed by people of all sexualities.
Sexual identity is a different thing altogether. Sexual identity is about who you are attracted to. Thus, if we apply it to this question, the question to be answering is : who do you want to be doing the anal play to you?
The following are guidelines and guesses only: If you are a man, and the only person you'd like to be playing your anus is a woman, you're probably straight. If you would like a guy to fuck you up the behind, then you're edging out of super straight land and into bisexual or gay territory. Who are you attracted to? If you're a man attracted to men mostly or entirely, you're probably a gay man. If you're a man who likes women as well as men, you might identify as bisexual. People that identify as pansexual don't see gender as a defining factor in who they're attracted to. Some people identify as queer (a broad term that can describe a person who isn't strictly heterosexual or cisgendered). And, if you're a man who is really or almost only attracted to women, you might best describe yourself as straight. Whomever you are attracted to, there's no right or wrong, and you can be attracted to all sorts of people and genders (yes, there are more than two). Or, just one. Attraction to one gender doesn't disqualify your attraction to others, if you have those attractions. There are lots of straight men who also like to have sex with men. There are lots of straight women who like to play with ladies sometimes. There are zillions of people in the middle.
Remember that sexuality and sexual identity is a spectrum, not just the two sides of a coin we might have been brought up with. People can be way over on the straight side of the spectrum, or they might be closer to the middle, or three quarters of the way to the gay side, etc. It can change over the course of our lives, a little or a lot. Only you can work out what your sexuality is, and whatever it is, it's okay, acceptable and beautiful.
If it's anal play as an act you're keen on, go for it. Sex acts on their own aren't definitive in terms of who you want to get naked with. If play with a person of a different gender to the one you usually play with appeals to you, you can let your sex worker know, and they might provide a service that allows you to explore. All you have to do is open up and talk about it with someone you feel safe with and trust, when it feels right for you.
Q: I know you are a big fan of toys. As a man, sometimes toys feel really intimidating and it can make me feel like I’m inadequate in some way. Is my manhood not enough??
A: You are correct, I am very partial to toys of all kinds! They are a huge amount of fun, and very sexy fun at that.
The part of your question that is on the wrong track, however, is the comparison to your manhood! Toys are not comparable to what a man has to offer. They are simply that – toys. Sexy fun. I would never refer to a delicious, knee-weakening, gorgeous cock as a “toy”. (Well, I might in the right, submissive circumstance…)
I’ll just lay it down straight. For me, a cock is the pinnacle of hot, erotic, lustful, incredible sexual power. Partially because I adore them, I find cocks an overwhelming turn on – I love the way it looks, the way it smells, the way it tastes, the way it feels, all hot and hard, inside me, the whole thing. But also because it is attached to the man who is making me feel good at that time.
I’ll just pull myself together.
When I use a vibrator for clitoral stimulation, it feels different to the sensations a lover gives me with their body (hands, fingers, tongue, cock). Not necessarily better, just different, and just as lovely. (By the same token, some lovers are either not interested in or too lazy to stimulate me in the way that will bring me to orgasm, and that’s fine, provided they are also open to me using the toy myself so I can get there too.) I love the vibrating feeling the toy gives. I also love the feelings you give me.
When I use a vibrator inside me – the type of toy/activity that can be the most threatening for some men – it feels great. It also doesn’t feel the same as your cock does inside me. Plus, it’s nothing to compare with the feeling of a partner using his whole body, whole self, sliding inside of me, never mind kissing me, running his hands over my skin, feeling his warm breath, listening to his words and the sounds of his intense pleasure, breathing in his smell. I mean, it’s all consuming to be with someone you’re enjoying and there is nothing that can compare with marinating in their pleasure… Settle down, Lara! If you’ve watched me use a toy like this, you’ll see I enjoy moving it in and out, but it’s not the main way I use it. Because for me, it pales in comparison at the job you do, so I focus on using the toy in the way it best serves me (which is its job).
An inanimate object is not even on the same playing field as a living, breathing man. You have a cock which is utterly different, and it’s better because it’s attached to you. The person I am in bed with, with your eyes and your voice and you laugh, your facial expressions, your moans and sighs and grunts. You know, all the authentically sexy stuff. Real person stuff. Unbeatable. <3